Started with a Kiss

One Saturday night together with my team mates, we went for a drink at my place. It was like a year from the last time we had our bonding outside the gym. That night makes me feel a lot different. And of course, who wouldn’t feel crazy spending a night with his crush? Together with some team mate though. Tsk.

What can say about a girl I love that I met three years ago, that I love the way she laughs over silly things? That I love the way she cries whenever she gets hurt. That I love the way she carry things in her own simple way? It is so easy to think but so hard to do. Most especially, things around us turned out to be more complicated.

She joined the team through another team mate. She attended every afternoon training. Days and months passed by, she was always there, near yet so far. I can not get near her to introduced myself. It was like she was guarded by my team mate, the one who asked her to join the team. I can not do anything. I was there, always being there for her, watching her, admiring her in a distance, secretly.

From the first time that I put my eyes on her, every thing changed. I became interested attending every day training and even skip classes just to be with her, to see her. So crazy but it’s true, I did it. Still, I can not do anything abut how I feel but keep it myself. I tried to be happy just for her. Do things just to catch her attention. I didn’t know what to do.

One day, my heart broke into pieces knowing she was with another guy. It made me feel sick. I do not know how I feel. Anger? Hatred? Revenge? Especially the guy was my team mate. But for what purpose? I didn’t know. Am I jealous? But why? I could never be jealous. I am not jealous. And I never have been jealous. Just that time. This was the first time I got hurt for doing nothing. And the time I realize that things could have been more easier if I just did something. From that time on, to cover up the pain, I started to ignore her. Whenever she came through the corridor, I took the other way just not to met her. I was late during training and early in leaving. I did every thing to get her out of my mind.

After a year, every thing changed. She was there alone. I thought of doing something. I was in a relationship that time so I couldn’t. I tried to hide things and pretended that things will always work well and turn out right no matter what I do. Ignoring what I have, where I am, I started making friends with her. Eventually we became good friends. We were always there for each other. Things were easy because we have something in common. And some things were better of discussed because we have a lot of differences. Things turned out quite well between us. All I know was that I am happy. I didn’t mind other things. The thing was, I have her, as friend.

There came a time that my girlfriend was jealous of her. It was my fault I know. She saw some of our pictures together. But it was a team picture. It’s just that I stand next to her and she was hugging me. I explained every thing to her. Well, to make the story short about my girlfriend and I, we broke up for a different reason. I quit class, and stop school.

A new school year came. I enrolled in the same school. I was happy to be back on track. I was happy to be home again. Phoenix, my family, my home.

That time on, I was looking for her and expecting to see her again. And there she was! I miss her. I miss her like the sun misses the flower in the depth of winter. It was like I am in a desert and only the sight of her could quench my thirst.

There was a song that always crosses my mind. This happen when we were at nationals last month, the time we went to showtime, last song syndrome I guess, the song was, “every time I see you my life turns upside down.” Hehe. So cute! J almost all the shots on my digi cam was her. Our trainor even asked me, “why it’s all her?” I just smile and say nothing.

After inter campus, the team decided to celebrate at Mags. The time that we were all drunk, we had an open forum. It was like saying what we feel to our team mate. It was a good thing of course but for me, it hurts me knowing she was set up by my team mate with another guy. Of course, they do not know how I feel about her. And I can not do anything with that now. The thing that fuels me was when she said that she do not like the guy. It lessened the pain I feel inside. After sometime, I got near her. She asked me, “Why do you hug me whenever we see each other? People may misunderstand things. What does it mean hugging me?” I was shocked and can not say a word. I was groping for words then when I finally say something, ”Ask me again tomorrow when we are no longer drunk for me to speak clearly and for you to understand things well.” She just smile and didn’t say a word. I wonder what it was. The next day, I posted in my facebook wall:

LATE ANSWER: I am happy, I like you, and with you, I am me, and I feel free. And and hugging you makes me feel safe.

I didn’t know if she read my post. It will be a long time that we will not be seeing each other again. But I hope that she will find time to read it. Or I guess, have read it already. And for me, to say it personally to her.

During that mid-time of the past three years (almost two years ago) from the time I met her, where my team mate had a drinking session at my place, it was the time that my feelings for her had grown. It was the time where I had known her better. Who wouldn’t feel crazy spending a night with your crush? With some team mate though. And what can I say about a girl I love whom I met three years ago, that I love the way she laughs over silly things? That I love the way she cries whenever she gets hurt. That I love the way she carry things in her own simple way? It is so easy to think but so hard to do. Most especially, things around us turned out to be more complicated. All these crazy things that had happened to me, it was all because of this one Saturday night with my team mates, with her, at my place, where all started with that play full kiss.

To Love Once Again

To love is to try. 

Try even if you don’t know anything about the rules of love,

try to learn from the heart and you’ll know everything.

To love is to be happy.

Happiness that can’t be measured.

It can only be felt by the heart.

It can only be felt by the one who loves truly and unconditionally.

To love is to cherish.

Cherish the moments. . . 

moments that will always be in our minds

moments that will always be in our hearts. 

To love is to sacrifice. Sacrifice means self-giving. 

Willing to do anything willing to give everything. 

To love is to feel pain. Pain that can’t be cured by medicine.

It can only be cured by time it can only be cured by forgiving. 

To love is to forgive.

Forgive the person who hurt you so badly. 

Forgive all the things they had done 

Forgive with all your heart 

And you’ll find true happiness. 

But love, all this. . . to love once again is the greatest. 

Because you’re willing to try, to be happy, to cherish, 

to sacrifice, to fell pain, and to forgive once again.

Somewhere Down the Road

I can’t really never forget 

the first time and the day we met 

in a pleasant heavenly place 

where there’s a beauty in her face. 

There I saw her beautiful smile

like angel in a distant mile

there I heard her angelic voice

that tuned my heart in great rejoice. 

I’ve felt different from before

I seemed to love her more and more 

 thinking her every day and night 

while the sun and the stars shine bright.

Now, all I have is her memory 

 her beauty that’s for eternity 

like a very beautiful art 

 that deeply remains in my heart. 

I hope our road will cross again

at the right place and time there in

that only way that was so rude 

and it was SOMEWHERE DOWN THE ROAD.

i love her too!

I was so numb I didn’t see
her selfless love she’d given me;
now, I seemed to blame myself
why at that time her love I shelved.

I was so numb I didn't feel
her precious love my heart she’d fill;
now, I seemed to realize
her love for me she’ll sacrifice.

Now I’m alone for she is gone
this time my love for her had grown;
I feel my heart aches within me
I don’t know why it came to be.

And I realized I’m in love
I swear it from heaven above;
I felt my heart turn to pieces
why I neglected her sweet caress.

Now, I've this kind of rue
when I saw her with someone new;
Now, it’s too late in doing so
to tell her that I LOVE HER TOO!

Bakit Nasa Huli Ang Pagsisisi?

May mga bagay na nalalaman natin sa huli. At ang mga bagay na ito ay s’yang nagsasabi sa atin na may kulang pala sa ating mga nagawa. Mga bagay na nagtuturo sa’tin ng panibagong leksyon o mga ediya na kung paano gawin ng tama at sapat ang parehong bagay na ginawa na natin. Dahil rin dito, nadaragdagan ang ating kaalaman.

Bakit hindi sa simula nalalaman ang mga leksyon ng buhay? Bakit kailangan pa munang masaktan o masawi sa ating mga ginagawa? Bakit nasa huli ang pagsisisi? Marahil ang mga tanong na ito ay mahirap sagutin ng mga taong hindi pa dumaan sa ilang mga pagsubok sa buhay. Dahil ang mga tanong na ito ay kailangan ng tamang pang-unawa. Tamang pang-unawa sa mga bagay dito sa mundo.

Ang iba marahil sa atin ay hiniling na sana ay bumalik ulit ang nakaraan para itama ang mga maling bagay na nagawa. Subalit hindi ba natin naiisip na noong panahon na ‘yon, noong ginagawa natin ang bagay na ‘yon, para sa atin ang mga bagay na ginagawa natin sa kasalukuyan ay tama at kinailangang lumipas ang panahon para malaman na ito ay mali ? Pero bakit ganito? Parang “mangyari na ang mangyari” ang ibig iparating sa’tin ng panahon na ang bagay na akala natin ang tama ay sa huli hindi pala? Pero may iba naman na alam natin na nagiging mali ito sa huli kaya iniiwasan na lamang itong gawin. Pero bakit ang kadalasang nangyayari ay ang kabaliktaran? Bakit nasa huli lagi ang pagsisisi? Marahil ito ang dahilan kung bakit ang iba ay kinukuha ang sariling buhay.

Bakit ganito lagi ang buhay ng tao, na kung bakit nagiging mali ang mga bagay na inakalang tama noong araw na ginagawa pa lamang ito? Bakit nga ba? Naisip n’yo rin ba ito? Tama rin naman diba?

Ang pagsisising ito marahil ang nagtuturo sa’tin ng mga bagay na dapat nating ginawa noong araw. Ang mga ginawang bagay na inakalang sapat na ngunit kulang pa. Ang mga ginagawa natin ay sinusubok ng panahon kung ito ay matatag at kung kailangan pang patatagin para sa darating pang araw. Subalit may mga bagay na kung nalaman na natin na kulang ang ating ginawa, ito’y hindi na bumabalik at maaaring hindi na maibalik pa ng tuluyan.

Ako naman, ay umaasa na may isa pang pagkakataon para sa’kin, pagkakataon para mapunan ko ang mga pagkukulang at maitama ang mga mali ko. Sinasabi ko ito sa isang tao na mahal sa buhay ko na minsan ko nang nasaktan. (Patawad – lab u!)

Ito ang ibinigay na kaalaman sa’kin, ang ayusin ang buhay para sa ikalawang pagkakataong ibibigay sa’kin at pang unawa sa mga bagay na huli na kung dumarating, ang pagsisisi. Para sa inyo, kailangan n’yo lang bigyan ng panahaon ang sarili para malaman kung ano ang inyong mga dapat gawin para walang maiba sa buhay n’yo kung may nalaman na pagbabago.

si tatay. . .

mula pagkabata, si tatay, lagi s'yang wala sa bahay, lumalabas sa gabi, sa ikalawang araw na umuuwi. hindi ko alam kung bakit, hindi naman ako sinabihan ng aking nanay. akala ko tuloy meron silang tampuhan. hindi rin sya minsan nagpapaalam kung umaalis. kung umuwi naman ay laging natutulog. hindi ko alam kung ano ang ginagawa nya na tila pagod na pagod s'ya parati.

mula pagkabata, si tatay, lagi niya akong pinapagalitan. hindi ko naman alam minsan ang aking kasalanan. pinapalo, binubogbog, sinisipa. minsan, nagtatanong ako sa aking sarili kung may mali ba akong nagawa. kaya mula noon, natatakot akong makita s'ya. naisipan ko naring hindi magpakita sa kanya, umiwas. pero sa iisa lang ang aming bahay, at ako ay nakatira sa bahay n'ya, hindi ko namang maiwasan na s'ya ay mapansin.

mula pagkabata, si tatay, hindi ko maintindihan lahat ng kanyang mga ginagawa. hindi naman n'ya ipinapa-intindi. magtanong man ako, pinapagalitan pa minsan. wala rin magawa si nanay. ewan ko ba kung bakit s'ya ang nagustuhan ni nanay. hindi ako makatingin sa kanya paminsan ng diritsahan. kasi takot ako na baka mapagalitan na naman ako na walang ginagawang kasalanan. ewan, hindi ko s'ya maintindihan.

mula pagkabata, si tatay, puro nalang trabaho ang inaatupag. lahat ng klaseng trabaho ta sideline, nakita ko na ginagawa n'ya. minsan nagtanong na rin ako kung bakit hindi s'ya makuntinto sa iisang trabaho lamang. para naman, kahit pano, magkaroon s'ya ng panahon para sa aming pamilya.

mula pagkabata, si tatay, lagi nalang akong ang nakikita, sa mga utos - ako, as mgatrabaho - ako, halos lahat ako. nariyan naman ang mga kapatid ko. bakit hindi nalang sila kung ako nama'y may ginagawa pa. minsan nga, pinalayas ako ng bahay dahil lang na may inutos s'ya sa akin na hindi ko nagawa agad. pano naman kasi, inutusan ako ni nanay, at si nanay ang naunag umutos sa akin ng isang gawaing bahay kaya hindi ko nagawa agad ang ipnag-utos n'ya. at dahil dun, nagalit s'ya. pinalayas ako! to the rescue naman si nanay. salamat naman!

mula pagkabata, si tatay, ni minsan hindi ko naranasan na ako ay turoan sa aking pag-aaral. hindi rin kinumusta kung ano na mga grades ko. basta nagbibigay s'ya ng pangpa-aral sa akin, sa kanya ay okay na. kaya ito, nahihirapan sa pag-aaral sa kursong hindi ko naman ginusto. bahala na.

mula pagkabata, si tatay, hindi ko narinig sa kanya na mahal n'ya ako. kahit paulit-ulit ko pa mang sabihin sa kanya ang katagang, "tatay, i love you!" yun bang, wala lang. deadma. pano ko malalaman na sa kanyang ginagawa at ipinapakita, ay pagmamahal na? mahal n'ya ba ako nung sinuntok at sinipa nya ako? wala akong magawa. tatay ko e. pero sa kabila ng lahat, ito pa rin ako, buhay. salamat naman.

mula pagkabata, si tatay, kung ako ma'y umuwi galing sa skwela, hindi man lamang ako kinumusta. pag-uwi galing tacloban, trabaho agad ang bukambibig n'ya. ewan, parang ngayon ako ay nasasanay nalang. kaya nga minsan, hindi nalang ako umuuwi sa can-avid para lang hindi makita si tatay. gusto namang gawin ang mga bagay na dapat ginagawa na ng isang lalakeng katulad ko sa edad na ito.

nung summer, April 2010. . .lahat ay nagbago. . .

napag-isip-isip ko, nung mga araw na hindi s'ya umuuwi sa bahay, nung mga araw sa wala s'ya sa bahay kasama namin, mga araw na ginugol n'ya sa trabaho na halos wala nang oras para sa amin, ang mga araw na yun, ay dapat ko palang ipagpasalamat! kung hindi niya ginawa yun, wala na kami ngayon. yun lang paala ang isang bagay na dapat gawin talaga ng tatay. mga bagay na kung saan ay pinag kukunan namin ng ikabubuhay.

napag-isip-isip ko, nung mga araw na lagi n'ya akong pinapalo, binubogbog at sinisipa, ang mga araw na yun, ay dapat ko ring iapag pasalamat! kung hindi n'ya ginawa yun, hindi ko makikita kung ano ako ngayon. sa mga pagdidisiplina n'yang parang hindi makatao kung minsan, yun pala, para mas madali kung maintindihan ang kahalagahan ng mga bagay sa buhay. yun bang, parang inihahanda n'ya ako sa buhay ng isang ganap na lalake, isang tao.

napag-isip-isp ko, maswerte p pala ako. sa mga utos na sobra-sobra, sa mga bagay hindi ko ginusto, sa mga bagay na kung saan ako ay nagalit sa kanya paminsan, ay ang mga bagay rin pala na s'yang magiging dahilan ng aming pagkakasundo, pagkakaisa. dito ko naramdaman kung gaano n'ya ako kamahal. hindi man n'ya nasabi ng harapan, yun pala, ay nasabi na n'ya sa mga simpleng bagay na ginawa nya noon, sa akin, sa pamilya namin. mas minabuti pa nyang gawin na lang kung ano ang magagawa n'ya.

minsan naisip ko, na sa aking pag-aaral, kaya pala hindi n'ya ako tinuturoan, ay nakita kong kaya ko naman pala. at sa mga bagay na hindi ko kaya, ay nariyan naman s'ya. parang nariyan lang sya naka-alalay at nagbabantay kung sakaling hindi ko na kaya.

tatay. . .kahit kakaiba ka man ang iyong paraan sa buhay, na kung minsan ay hindi ko maintindihan sa noon at kahit pa man sa ngayon, ay nagpapasalamat ako dahil ni minsan ay hindi mo kami pinabayaan. hindi naghirap ang ating pamilya dahil sa'yo. saludo talaga ako sa'yo tatay. wala akong masabi, hindi ko maisip kung kaya kong gawin ang mga nagawa mo sa'min. napaka-laking bagay. . .at salamat, na kakaiba man ang pagturo mo saking kung papano ko haharapin ang sarili kong buhay, kung papano ko gagawin ang mga nagawa mo, ay nagpapasalamat pa rin ako. dahil dito, ako ay natuto. natuto ng maraming bagay sa buhay. . .mahirap, maganda, at iba pa. salamat! mali ang pagkaintindi ko sa mga pamamaraan mo sa buhay, pero ngayon, sa tulong ng mga bagay na ginawa mo sa'kin, ay unti-unti ko nang nauunawaan. wala akong masabi. . .kundi salamat!!! tatay, you're the best! love you!

15th Monthsary. . .

Zairah,

i never thought going this far. but i am happy being here. it's like a part of my dream come true. i know things is never that easy, but just in time, making it all out, things will be all right.

i want to thank you for loving me, and for all he sacrifices you have done for our relationship. i want you to know that i am always here for you, loving...

always,
Philip Anthony