One Saturday night together with my team mates, we went for a drink at my place. It was like a year from the last time we had our bonding outside the gym. That night makes me feel a lot different. And of course, who wouldn’t feel crazy spending a night with his crush? Together with some team mate though. Tsk.
What can say about a girl I love that I met three years ago, that I love the way she laughs over silly things? That I love the way she cries whenever she gets hurt. That I love the way she carry things in her own simple way? It is so easy to think but so hard to do. Most especially, things around us turned out to be more complicated.
She joined the team through another team mate. She attended every afternoon training. Days and months passed by, she was always there, near yet so far. I can not get near her to introduced myself. It was like she was guarded by my team mate, the one who asked her to join the team. I can not do anything. I was there, always being there for her, watching her, admiring her in a distance, secretly.
From the first time that I put my eyes on her, every thing changed. I became interested attending every day training and even skip classes just to be with her, to see her. So crazy but it’s true, I did it. Still, I can not do anything abut how I feel but keep it myself. I tried to be happy just for her. Do things just to catch her attention. I didn’t know what to do.
One day, my heart broke into pieces knowing she was with another guy. It made me feel sick. I do not know how I feel. Anger? Hatred? Revenge? Especially the guy was my team mate. But for what purpose? I didn’t know. Am I jealous? But why? I could never be jealous. I am not jealous. And I never have been jealous. Just that time. This was the first time I got hurt for doing nothing. And the time I realize that things could have been more easier if I just did something. From that time on, to cover up the pain, I started to ignore her. Whenever she came through the corridor, I took the other way just not to met her. I was late during training and early in leaving. I did every thing to get her out of my mind.
After a year, every thing changed. She was there alone. I thought of doing something. I was in a relationship that time so I couldn’t. I tried to hide things and pretended that things will always work well and turn out right no matter what I do. Ignoring what I have, where I am, I started making friends with her. Eventually we became good friends. We were always there for each other. Things were easy because we have something in common. And some things were better of discussed because we have a lot of differences. Things turned out quite well between us. All I know was that I am happy. I didn’t mind other things. The thing was, I have her, as friend.
There came a time that my girlfriend was jealous of her. It was my fault I know. She saw some of our pictures together. But it was a team picture. It’s just that I stand next to her and she was hugging me. I explained every thing to her. Well, to make the story short about my girlfriend and I, we broke up for a different reason. I quit class, and stop school.
A new school year came. I enrolled in the same school. I was happy to be back on track. I was happy to be home again. Phoenix, my family, my home.
That time on, I was looking for her and expecting to see her again. And there she was! I miss her. I miss her like the sun misses the flower in the depth of winter. It was like I am in a desert and only the sight of her could quench my thirst.
There was a song that always crosses my mind. This happen when we were at nationals last month, the time we went to showtime, last song syndrome I guess, the song was, “every time I see you my life turns upside down.” Hehe. So cute! J almost all the shots on my digi cam was her. Our trainor even asked me, “why it’s all her?” I just smile and say nothing.
After inter campus, the team decided to celebrate at Mags. The time that we were all drunk, we had an open forum. It was like saying what we feel to our team mate. It was a good thing of course but for me, it hurts me knowing she was set up by my team mate with another guy. Of course, they do not know how I feel about her. And I can not do anything with that now. The thing that fuels me was when she said that she do not like the guy. It lessened the pain I feel inside. After sometime, I got near her. She asked me, “Why do you hug me whenever we see each other? People may misunderstand things. What does it mean hugging me?” I was shocked and can not say a word. I was groping for words then when I finally say something, ”Ask me again tomorrow when we are no longer drunk for me to speak clearly and for you to understand things well.” She just smile and didn’t say a word. I wonder what it was. The next day, I posted in my facebook wall:
LATE ANSWER: I am happy, I like you, and with you, I am me, and I feel free. And and hugging you makes me feel safe.
I didn’t know if she read my post. It will be a long time that we will not be seeing each other again. But I hope that she will find time to read it. Or I guess, have read it already. And for me, to say it personally to her.
During that mid-time of the past three years (almost two years ago) from the time I met her, where my team mate had a drinking session at my place, it was the time that my feelings for her had grown. It was the time where I had known her better. Who wouldn’t feel crazy spending a night with your crush? With some team mate though. And what can I say about a girl I love whom I met three years ago, that I love the way she laughs over silly things? That I love the way she cries whenever she gets hurt. That I love the way she carry things in her own simple way? It is so easy to think but so hard to do. Most especially, things around us turned out to be more complicated. All these crazy things that had happened to me, it was all because of this one Saturday night with my team mates, with her, at my place, where all started with that play full kiss.
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